Most Americans believe that grief is a long-term situation, however recent studies show that grief lasts around 6 months, occasionally longer. It is not as severe as it is portrayed to the American public.
Konigsberg, Ruth D. "Grief, Unedited." Www.nytimes.com. New York Times, 24 Apr. 2011. Web. 9 May 2011. <http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/15/opinion/15Konigsberg.html?_r=1>.
Facebook is seeking a solution to the conflict of constantly reappearing profiles of deceased users in other’s reconnect boxes. People find it unsettling but also comforting to see their friends, while Facebook attempts to create tribute pages.
Wortham, Jenna. "As Older Users Join Facebook, Network Grapples With Death - NYTimes.com." The New York Times - Breaking News, World News & Multimedia. 17 July 2010. Web. 09 May 2011. <http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/18/technology/18death.html?ref=deathanddying>.
Grief comes up in both articles, both in terms of grieving itself, but also the constant reminder of the deceased. While losing someone is a very emotional time, people have coping mechanisms that help them overcome such a loss. Instead of recognizing this, books are written about how terrible it is to lose someone and the emotional turmoil of the people, rather than their final conquering of grief. Because of this idea of intense grief, Facebook feels even more obliged to eliminate the existence of these profiles. Turning them into a tribute page is nice, however it also seems a bit odd. The person no longer exists while photo memories of them are displayed for people who barely knew them, except for the occasional appearance in a mini feed. As in grief, there must come a time when the memorial should be taken down and the memory should only exist in the minds of the one’s who truly loved the person. The American society is concerned with feeling some sort of remorse for the dead, proving that they cared. People should grieve forever apparently, while the actually process is far from so. Facebook should keep these pages in their minds, as to respect the memory of the deceased. Everything is about preservation of the person, however they are no longer there. Americans need to learn to let go, while it may not be easy. There comes a time to think: would this person really have felt such a connection to me if I had died? Would this person want me to dedicate this much of my emotion to them? It is not wrong to commemorate the deceased, but grief has become far too commercial in the public eye. There is no need to compete to show the greatest affection, or mourn the longest to prove one’s love for the deceased.
“For years this was a secret business.” I believe here is where he hit the point, the reason for the constant controversy in the funeral industry. During the entire interview Charles, a funeral director in Brooklyn, spoke of how different things are now. Being in the business 50 years gives him credibility, but also bias. Therefore at times it was hard to decide whom to believe, Charles or Mitford, author of The American Way of Death Revisited. I asked him if he had read the book himself, “Well the original...She just didn’t like the funeral industry. So everything was like...in my opinion blown out of proportion.” When things are viewed critically they can of course be portrayed in a more vigorous light than usual, however it cannot all be exaggeration. “A lot of that is her imagination I think.” Why in the first place would someone expose an industry such as the funeral industry, if there were nothing to show? It is hardly an industry constantly under scrutiny, so why choose there? Through my discussion with Charles I was able to further understand his perspective of the refined business.
Charles himself wants to be cremated, without a viewing and embalming. I found this surprising as I expected a funeral director to want to be buried, with the full funeral and all, for this is what they sell everyone else. Why sell a product that you yourself do not wish to have? He however had no explanation other than they were simply his beliefs. His outlook on death was very straightforward, “Listen everybody’s going to die, it’s just how and when.” This can be expected as death surrounds him everyday at his job. When I asked him about the perception of his job he replied with, “I think that we’re portrayed as subhuman sometimes. I think that’s because most people fear death.” While many might be able to utter his words of death for everyone, it is much harder for them to accept them. Americans are clearly afraid of death, as they try to hold on to the memory of what the person was before through such ceremonies as embalming. They then scrutinize people that do not share this common fear. It must be odd however, for him to live among the memory pictures of these people’s lives, instead of interacting with the actual life outside. Charles himself spoke of the lack of social life that comes with his job, as he is constantly on call. I questioned how he even got into such a business; his reply was simply that it fascinated him since the age of ten. How is it that death can scare so many people, but draw a ten-year-old boy in so desirably?
When asked about funerals and cremation he again brought up the idea that everything was changing. “Today to most people, it’s almost an annoyance...everybody’s spread out and nobody has time for funerals.” Families have become so spread out that it becomes a burden to travel all the way to a funeral, slowly hacking away at the importance of them. “I hate the word closure, but that’s what it is. It’s closure.” Funerals in his mind are “closure”, however this world allows for much less closure than it used to. Strangers deal with the body and geography may even limit attendance. He mentioned that the memory pictures he creates through embalming aid in closure for the family. When he was younger he too embalmed, ““I always equate it to a minor surgery. It’s not as gross as people think...People have a misconception about it.” I mentioned how odd I thought it would be to embalm, however he jumped at me telling me it was simply a misconception. Funeral directors are very proud of their work and like all others, do not wish to be scrutinized. Therefore I found some of his answers to be a bit defensive, however lacking in explanation.
As a funeral director I imagined that he has seen the worst of it, everyone’s greatest fear. Thus I asked for his most overwhelming experience in the business, as a funeral director experiences more death in a lifetime than any other. “This young lady died of cancer. She had two little children. She knew she was dying, she prepared her children for her death and told them their daddy would always be there for them even after she was gone and Daddy died at 9/11, the mother died a month later. It was just heartbreaking to see these kids at the mother’s casket, they want to go to heaven with mommy and daddy.” What does it do to a funeral director to be around all of this constant remorse? Does it not haunt them in their sleep? This story clearly stuck with him, because I believe it was one of the first that demonstrated the abandonment of death. To a funeral director death is simply the body and the family that comes. It is however normal, no big deal, as it surrounds them. Not until a moment such as this, where two children are left alone in the world, does the humanity of the situation come back into light. Not to say that funeral directors do not feel for the families who lose those whom they love, but that overtime they can become indifferent. As horrible as these events can be, “It’s a necessary evil I like to say.”
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