Homework #48: Family Perspective on the Care of the Dead

            My mother and father, after knowing each other for forty years had extremely similar answers to the questions. These ideas have also trickled down into both what my sister and I think about the care of the dead. Aside from the fact that it gives no place for people to morn, my mother wants to be cremated. She feels that a burial is too elaborate and eventually there will not be enough room in the ground anyway. To solve the problem of the lack of memorial place, she wants to create a place for her children, or my sister and I, to remember her by. This would then be there if we ever wanted to think about them again and want a place to go to remember them. “We might even have a conversation with you guys too about what would be the best way to do that, because it’s more than just yourself, but your kids live on and their kids.”

            The conversation then moved on to my mother’s personal experience with the care of the dead. She feels that we are very removed from the process; we hire somebody else to care for the body. But she did also share her memories at various funerals and wakes. She feels that they are more sad depending on how much people miss the individual, or if they were a parent, or younger person. Wakes appeal to her most because they are a way to celebrate the person’s life itself. The purpose of these ceremonies she feels is both to finally rest the body in peace, but also a way of dealing with the body. My mother stated that she does not believe in the religious idea of the spirit going to heaven while the body rests in peace. It is more of the final step for the living to carry on the deceased’s memory.

             Next we spoke of the treatment of the body during the entire process of life after death. She expressed her views on embalming as follows, “If you’re trying to preserve the body for being in a casket, I’ve always assumed that the body needs to be treated in a certain way. Part of the process is if people want to see the body, they can see it in a better condition.” She is not sure if this is something people do because of religious beliefs or simply because it is a long lasting tradition. When the body is deceased she also brought up the idea of donating organs. She herself is not so interested in that, but she is not sure why. “For me to have a way for you to come visit me and have some place where you would be and wanted to remember us, there would be something. I don’t think my body necessarily needs to be in a casket in a graveyard.” This lack of interest in a graveyard burial she assumes is due to the fact that she does not belong to a church. Her mother and father on the other hand both belong to churches and wish to have either their ashes or bodies laid to rest there.

            After talking with my mother, I approached my father about his views on the care of the dead. He is actually unsure if he would rather be cremated or buried. His problem with cremation, like my mother, is that there is no place at which others can come remember you. To bury an entire body however he thinks is a waste of space, just as my mother brought up the fact that there is not enough room in the earth for everyone. “But I figure it’s probably nice for the relatives to come visit me, whoever wanted to. I think it would be better to cremate me and then put me in a place where people could come remember me, rather than a cemetery filled with death.”

            In terms of his own experience, he has been to a couple of family member’s funerals. “When somebody dies I want to go be there with them and their family, to help.” His mother on the other hand as he expressed, tries to hide the fact that anyone has died, sometimes even neglecting to mention it to him and his siblings. Because of this, he feels more of an obligation to be there for the funeral, as to be different from his mother. He then goes on to describe the few funerals he’s been to and the affects they had on the family. At the end of his stories, he threw in another opinion: “I don’t buy the whole thing that the Egyptians do, like the mummies. That’s such a culture of death and almost stagnation. Always looking backwards.”

            I then turned the conversation again to the actual bodies. “You have to get rid of the bodies before they infect the entire population. The tradition has started around that as far as I know. But I think it serves to give people a type of closure, that it’s ended.” Both he and my mother brought up the idea of doing something with the body, before bringing up the idea of closure. He too brought up the art of donating organs, “Donating organs and things like that is really nice if you can figure out how to make that work. Eyes and kidneys are very useful. Some people get creeped out about that but that’s a good thing to make more natural.” He then goes on to describe the reasoning for our customs around death. “In our western tradition we weep and wail and delay. It takes us a long time to get a big expensive funeral organized, so that allows you to not have to rush the body into the ground.” It is all about having more time for the living to face the fact that this other person is truly gone. “It seems like our funeral ritual is more about tribute and getting people together for a big event, so embalming is more important. Probably also helps people not fear the dead so much, because they do not look as scary when you see them.” My father’s main goal in all of this however is to not be a burden on anyone. “I think I’ll be very good fertilizer.”

            After hearing both of their experiences and opinions surrounding the care of the dead, it was interesting to see how the generations compare. My peers when confronted with the same questions were more philosophical about it. They spoke of everyone’s need for closure and the whole process of letting go of the person. None of them mentioned the fact that these ceremonies were there to deal with the bodies, as my parents did. Both of them addressed this purpose of funerals and cremations before diving into the emotional aspects of the ceremonies. While each of my peers spoke a little bit about the after life and its possible existence, my mother specifically stated that she did not believe in it. Because of this I believe it caused her answers to be more factual, rather than ideas. For both of my parents embalming served as a way to prepare for the body for viewing, so that it does not frighten people. I think they hit a very valid point here. People are afraid of death and what they look like. There are ancient stories of people rising from the grave and stories even now of ghost sightings. Embalming I think encourages the opposite of these thoughts, it keeps the humanity in the person, so that they are less frightening.

            Both of my parents wanted a place, by which one could remember them, which I thought was a very nice idea. With cremation this is possibly sacrificed, however they clearly have a way around it. I thought it was interesting that their main goal in the care of their bodies was to have a way to be remembered. Unlike my peers, who were more concerned with what might happen after death, my parents were able to think about the living. Maybe it is because they have a family, children, that they began to think about the people they are leaving behind. A generation younger, my interviewed peers have yet to have children and still have their focus on themselves, not necessarily a bad thing. Their ideas around death had to do with their own way of coping, to ensure that they rest in peace. The realization that it does not matter has not come to them, the pure facts of it. My parents spoke so easily of being “fertilizer” perhaps because they have faced the fact that this is what it will be like (at least in their own minds). There is no doubt about what happens after death, therefore they were able to stop thinking about themselves and instead about the people they left behind and the impression they wanted to leave with them.